Infertility: The Quiet Battle of Barrenness

Our desire to encourage and educate others on adoption would be incomplete without a sister topic that often goes along with the adoption discussion: infertility. As one who has walked through the heart breaking journey of infertility. I wanted to share a little as a means of encouragement to those walking through this quiet battle, and also as a challenge for other believers to have a ministry to these women and couples.

Chad and I had been praying for a child and began trying to conceive in the summer of 2006. The first several months I knew we probably would not see 2 lines on a pregnancy test, this was normal, it can take a few months, I knew that. Six months into the timeline I began to get a little worried. Still at this point I was not thinking about it much and was definitely not thinking of myself as "infertile." Due to some of the challenges my body was experiencing I usually had to take a pregnancy test every month, my body was not always clearly telling us if I was pregnant or not. By month 7 and 8 this started to get hard. It started to feel a little bit like death. Each time I looked down once again at a negative pregnancy test it felt like a loss. Chad and I both had a deep desire to be parents and yet every month we walked through the reality: just one pink line. For a time, before the Lord began to really do a work in my heart in this area I was not able to talk about it publicly and would often struggle with bitterness. Baby showers, new births even watching parents play with their children, all of it just seemed to hurt. Why would God withhold this from us? Why? The questions came in waves. The doubt was overwhelming at times. The tears were always flowing. It was a battle and the hardest part about it was just when I would get a handle on it another month went by and once again...no morning sickness, no tiredness no double line.

Thankfully our most gracious God, through His word began to give Chad and I a great peace. The Lord convicted me of my bitterness and began to teach me of His sovereignty. My heavenly Father knew the desires of my heart and yet desired something greater, He wanted to teach me of His perfect will.

I write this today and my womb is still barren. I have never known what it feels like to have a life inside of me, I have never walked into a OB office with the anticipation of hearing a heart beat. I have never shopped for maternity clothes or eaten rice cakes for breakfast every morning. :-)

I have however, stood at the doorway while a stranger carrying a precious baby in a car seat far to small, places him in my arms. I have looked into the eyes of a child who's skin color is different than mine and called him my son. I have woken up in the middle of the night to hear a little voice calling my name, "Mama, Mama." My womb might still be barren but my heart and our home is most definitely not.

There are women and families all around us who walk through these similar circumstances all the time, some for many more years than I could imagine. So often it is indeed a quiet battle, so many times you would never even know. Others are able to talk about it openly and freely. It is a sensitive topic, just as Hannah in the bible wept for children, many of these women and families are crying out to the Lord, praying He will bring them a child.

If you are one of those sweet women, my heart aches for you. Hold fast sweet sister to the promises of God. Cling to what you know is true, "that HE works ALL things together for our good." Rom. 8:28 For He and He alone knows what is good for us. Remember that your sadness isn't wrong, many childless families in scripture wept and were broken over there longing for children. Guard your heart from bitterness and filter your thoughts continually through the Word. Hang in there, remember God hears your cry, be available and willing for Him to answer in a ways you would have never dreamed. Remember, your not praying to become pregnant, your praying for a child.

If you know someone who is walking through infertility ask the Lord to give you a heart for her and her difficult struggle. Be sensitive and willing to listen. Pray over her and with her. Acknowledge the challenges that she faces and the emotional roller coaster she is on. Continually encourage her in the Word and the promises of God. If there are a few women in your circle or in your church walking through this have a monthly time of fellowship where you can encourage these women, allow them to share their feelings and fellowship with other women walking through similar circumstances. There are always bible study groups for young moms but how often do we hear of a group or fellowship for "mothers to be?" What an area of ministry!

Infertility is not hopeless. The same God who created the heavens and the earth, who numbered the stars and knows the hairs on your head, has created us with the maternal longing and desire, it is normal. (1 Tim. 2:15)

I close with this. Infertility has been painful, there was and sometimes still is a great war that wages in my mind and in my heart. I am however so grateful the Lord has allowed us to understand barrenness and I believe completely this was and is His best for us. Through the physical barrenness He ultimately taught us of complete trust in Him and that without Christ that is exactly what we are: barren. I am so thankful for my own personal adoption into Gods family and now no longer is my heart barren and in need of redemption but my home is full as well.

"Who is like the Lord our God, who is seated on high, who looks far down on the heavens and the earth? He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap, to make them sit with princes, with the princes of his people. He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord! Psalm. 113:5-9